Good-bye Visits, Which Daddy? and other Phrases I've Never Used Before

Composed earlier: 

Tonight my new daughter sleeps on organic cotton, Pottery Barn sheets in a beautiful pink and pink bedroom fit for a princess.  Tomorrow she says good-bye to her first family.  I won't go in to that story because it is not mine to tell.  However, the severity of that pain and grief and the significance of that loss are not wasted on me.  And, as we are comforted to be one step closer to making her our own, I am reminded that bad choices have destroyed a family and what could have been.  We are committed to seeing it made whole, through our Hope that is unwavering.  

Isaiah 61:3
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. 

That is all.

Six Months Later

So what!? lots of really successful bloggers take a 6 month hiatus from their blogs! Dear Loyal Readers, I apologize that for 6 months I left you all hanging.  Y'all, if you're still with me, well, what can I say? You are faithful, beautiful, friends.  I, mean, what kind of blogger goes silent for 6 months? My excuses:  the well was dry, my brain was numb, and I just flat ran out of time and things to say.  Truth is, I didn't want to update on the faithfulness of God or how trustworthy His plans are or how He is growing patience in me.  I suppose I could have blogged on the other thoughts in my head.  The ones that told me to take matters in to my own hands.  The ones that told me to make phone calls or let my husband get in touch with people who could help our cause.  I thought about being as drastic as calling my relative, who is the State Of Texas Agriculture Commissioner to see if he knew anyone in Family Protective Services and could "make a phone call."  Harley played a round of golf and was given the name of a guy who works with Catholic Charities, who was "always looking for placement of kids"(interestingly, Harley had just began a job for this guy as a client)!  It would have been so much more like us! After all, we are movers and shakers.  From the beginning of our lives together, waiting has not been our strong suit! We did marry after only a 3 month courtship!  We have been miles down the road while others were still trying to decide.  Most of the time, this has been something we feel fully peaceful about and fully blessed by God in, even when it didn't turn out the way we thought it would!  However, this time, the particular waiting and the particular patience required was much different!  Most importantly, we know the clear, loud voice of God, was saying wait, and we knew our stance was DO NOTHING and WAIT!  And we are so glad we did!

In late February, we were a finalist family for a sibling group of sisters.  We weren't quite sure this was the best fit, but we were willing to find out.  Then, the state picked a different family.  And just like that, very content to move on, we found out that we were finalist for another child.  This time, we had to GO to the meeting.  We sat in front of a panel of child protective service professionals.  We had to be ourselves and showcased why we were the best fit for this child.  Next to standing naked before them, we were as transparent as can be!  We were sensitive, solid, and funny.  We were serious, nervous, and teary-eyed. The next morning, we got THE CALL! We had been selected as the matched family!  I couldn't help but think of Psalms 37:4-6

⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you your heart’s desires.

⁵ Commit everything you do to the Lord.
    Trust him, and he will help you.
⁶ He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
    and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

(Squeal)! Adoption happy dance!!

Still, even this, has taken us in unexpected direction and plans.  A little unsettling for this planner girl! We are now in a foster-to-adopt(legal risk) situation.  We fully believe that God is in control and have put aside our desires and wishes. (doesn't mean we don't still have them!) But most of all, we wish for God's desires and God's plan for us, for our family, for this child!  It's hard stuff.  It's good stuff.  It's actually the best stuff.

In the last month, we have gone from waiting to meeting a child to visitation of a child to official placement with the intended purpose of forever.  We are exhausted and ecstatic!

In closing, we are still in a critical season, and confidentiality is of utmost importance.  We are a foster family and now living in those uncharted waters full of documents, paperwork and visits of different kinds.  We ask for your love, support, and prayer always, but especially during this time.  We have had many of you bring gifts, send dinner, and prayer with/over us.   These are everything.  Thank you!

Holy Ground-ing

Have you ever felt like you were or have actually been on holy ground or in a sacred place?  I know from growing up in church that I was told a million times, "This is God's house." But I mean really understood what that meant, like Moses' experience in Exodus 3:5, “Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” I think I finally got a glimpse.

On October 8th, we finally were able to have our homestudy done.  Life leading up to it and since has been the most chaotic I've ever seen it.  However, for 5 and half short hours, there was peace.  This is nothing short of miraculous especially if you've been around my husband's cell phone on a Monday morning, no less.    We were asked every-single-question-you-can-imagine.  No, really.  Let's pause here for a minute.  Think of a question(no, question is too icky or intimate, I'll wait while you think of something) Yep, we were asked that too.  Then, we took a tour of the house, every nook and cranny, even the closets(including the teenager's, gas masks and all).  For 5 and half hours, we worked so great as a family unit.  During the joint portion of the homestudy with Harley and I, we finished each others sentences, laughed, and remained quite while the other voiced their ideas.  Complete and utter harmony and respect.  It was family utopia, here, People!  Our children where somewhat left to their own watching as we completed this section.  They played, laughed, and pretty well contained themselves for a couple of hours.  We broke for lunch and everyone agreed on sandwiches and chips for a quick bite. No one complained that they wanted that piece of bread or that last juice box.  And when it was over, we started with the questions again.

And then, it was over.  In the weeks that have followed this glorious event of family harmony it feels like the wheels have come off the tracks.  I have found myself on more than one occasion humming Ozzy's Crazy Train.  Here's a glimpse at a certain situation:  We had a family meltdown so severe last Sunday we could not even make it to church to serve our teenage small groups.  It was the perfect storm, really.  My phone was broken and couldn't dial out or text.  Harley and I weren't seeing eye-to-eye(to put it lightly) on a situation, a certain child-that-shall-remain-nameless had tested beyond what is sensical and on top of all of that my sister's dog was lost!   That's right, we couldn't even muster up the fake smiles, we all need to get through church some Sundays--I know y'all have done this too, we're going for total transparency, here) so we just didn't show up.   NOT COOL!   Whoa! We are all in need of a time out!  My otherwise, calm, harmonious family is stressed to the max!  Consequently, in my journey to put down the perfection scepter(forgive me, its Avenger central around here), I start to panic wondering if my answers were lies or if we weren't really ourselves and then the Holy Spirit prompts me with God's Word like Genesis 28:15, " I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”  This reminds me that he sees our hearts and our affliction and pain for the fatherless.  It also reminds me that this is his work for his glory and his work is holy.  So, those 5 hours weren't fake or false.  They were a gift of God's peace and they were his holy work, set apart for his will to be accomplished in us.

Finally, we appreciate every prayer offered up for us during this wait.  It is obvious our family needs protection, because every single thing that could be attacked to stop us, has been attacked.  Everything from health(remember my pneumonia right before our required respite and one our boys needing a daily medication), financial scares and battles, family disharmony, to behavior problems and childhood troubles.  All of this to get through the homestudy and wait some more.  We will let you know when we get through to the next phase.   

Proud to Be...

Folks, it is no secret if you follow me much on Twitter or see me on Facebook much, that my political views are conservative.  I was called a nerd by my darling husband during the Republican National Convention! Well, I was giving air punches out during Senator Marco Rubio's speech. 1-2-PUNCH!  For real!  This week its the democrats turn to air punch have a chai latte and blog on their Mac from the campus coffeehouse.  And as I try to listen and keep an open-mind, my mind is just flooded with scripture.  I have a twisted and complex mind!   My brain pendulum swings from chasing after my earthly freedom to reliquishing it all for an eternal one. 

I sit and listen to the news media, staunch Dems, and celebs refer to President Obama as a Savior or even more sacreligious, a "Black Jesus." (Thank you, Spike Lee for clearing up any lingering doubt on your theology.)  Part of me realizes four years isn't enough time to undue the damage of the last 40 years or more, but I have faith enough to know the Barack Obama couldn't do in a lifetime what Jesus was able to do in 3 days! 

I sit and listen to conservative news outlets Fox News, hard-core conservatives and Republicans, and Clint Eastwood and worry we are headed for doom.  That the America my children become adults will not be the "land of the free," but the land of what-can-I-get-for-free? It is in this sphere where Obama is referred to as The Antichrist and a Muslim extremist, etc.  All of these messages bring on fear.  Some of them have valid points, while others are completely obsurd.  I was really unnerved about the state of country and where we are headed to next and that is when Romans 13:1 popped into my head: (AMP) "Let every person be loyally subject to the governing (civil) authorities. For there is no authority except from God [by His permission, His sanction], and those that exist do so by God’s appointment."  Umm, did y'all get that?  Friends, we are supposed to follow the law.  But check out that second half: there is no authority except from God, with his approval stamp and seal and His Divine Appointment!   And when fear rises or proganda floods my email inbox I realize my security is not of this world, in my shelter or my bank account.  I claim promises found in Isaiah 54:17 But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be in the wrong. This [peace, righteousness, security, triumph over opposition] is the heritage of the servants of the Lord [those in whom the ideal Servant of the Lord is reproduced]; this is the righteousness or the vindication which they obtain from Me [this is that which I impart to them as their justification], says the Lord. 

Moreover, what I realize from the times we live and the smallness the world has become is that we cannot simple have agree-to-disagree conversations anymore.  Everyone's thumb is on The Button, ready to blow up anything in their path of disagreement.  My nature, too, is to fight.  I was taught in a sermon this weekend while visiting my hometown that when Pilate questioned Jesus about being a king the way Jesus answered him.  In John 18:36, this is what Jesus said, "My kingdom," said Jesus, "doesn't consist of what you see around you. If it did, my followers would fight so that I wouldn't be handed over to the Jews. But I'm not that kind of king, not the world's kind of king."  Whoa! Good readers, our fate as believers in a victorious God is not in the hands of whomever is president of the United States of America.  I know, it is easy to get caught up in all of it.  Things are changing, some for the better, others not, but we are shown in God's word it cannot last.  IT WILL pass away.  The only thing that stands forever is God's Word. Reference Isaiah 40:8.  We are Americans, it is our right to vote, so do it, but do it with civility, and please, if you call yourself a Christ follower with compassion for others' opinions. (Yes, I am talking to myself)   Most of all, join with me in prayer over our great nation, for whomever is in office and join me in being a voice for the underserved and unloved everywhere.

To Run or Not to Run, That is the Question

Over the last two weeks, my friend and I prayed about running a half marathon to raise awareness of and money for the injustices of the world and specifically human sex trafficking.  It was an exciting experiment for sure.  We committed to pray until August 24th because that is exactly six months until the race, and I love a hard deadline! God doesn't really work that way, but I think He's given us some mercy here to set a time frame for ourselves. He knows us! (See Psalm 139 for reference)  This is what the last two weeks of prayer looked like:

Day 1- August 9- verse of the day: 1 Peter  2:24 (MSG)  He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls.


Day 2- August 10- verse of the day: Isaiah 40:30-31 (MSG) For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.  They spread their wings and soar like eagles.  They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind.

Found out through Traffick911 that a major motion picture starring Matthew McConaughey and Gina Gershon will portray McConaughey as a corrupt Texas sheriff and a family(Gina Gershon as the step-mother) trades a young "virginal" girl for sex to him as a "financial retainer"

Day 3- August 11- verse of the day: Mark 12:30 And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.

Day 4- August 12- don't have a verse of the day. spent the day caring for my sick child and enjoying every moment spent with my family.  They are precious to me and I am so blessed to live loved, happy and safe.  My children are so blessed to live loved, happy and safe.  I want all children to know a mother's love and to be safely tucked in at night.  I spend so much time worrying about the evilness in the world and how I can help put a end to it.  I spend a lot of time worrying if I will ever become a mother to an adoptive child and if I am cut out for that kind of responsibility, but  today, I just felt love and loved.

Day 5- August 13- verse of the day: 1 John 3:18 Contemporary English Version (CEV) Children, you show love for others by truly helping them, and not merely by talking about it.

Pretty sure, God is saying, "Run the race, and be sure to RUN YOUR RACE!"
Going to sign up for the Disney Princess Half Marathon! Not just running a race, but raising money and awareness to fight human trafficking! 

Day 6-August 14- verse of the day:  Psalm 48:14 (NLT) For that is what God is like.  He is our God forever and ever, and he will guide us until we die.

Did it! Signed up! So excited to run a half marathon, but even more excited to help victims of domestic minor sex trafficking be rescued!

Day 7-August 15-verse of the day: Psalm 62:8 (NLT) O my people, trust in him at all times.  Pour out your heart to him,  for God is our refuge.

In questioning why violence happens against these sweet, innocent babies, I know that the God over all hears my prayers and hears my hearts desire to help those who are helping those victims.  It is desire to love the orphan and care for the poor and only in Him can I find the strength it takes to do it!

Day 8- August 16-verse of the day: Philippians 4:8 (NLT) And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Day 9-August 17-verse of the day: Isaiah 43:1 (NLT) But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.  I have called you by name; you are mine.

Day 10-August 18-verse of the day: Psalm 91:1 (NLT) Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

Day 11-August 19-verse of the day: Psalm 37:7 (NLT) Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.  Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.

Day 12-August 20-verse of the day: 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT) ⁷ even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. ⁸ Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. ⁹ Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. ¹⁰ That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

This verse is so strong for me! Today there has been plenty of fear.  Fear about trying to run 13.1 miles, fear about leaving my kids for that weekend, fear about getting involved with such a scary subject and fear of doing nothing at all!  But God's grace is enough and it is all I need.  Running was tough this week, but in my weakness I am crying out to Him to help me push through for his glory and his mission!

Day 13-August 21-verse of the day: 1 Kings 8:23 (NLT) and prayed: Lord God of Israel, no other god in heaven or on earth is like you! You never forget the agreement you made with your people, and you are loyal to anyone who faithfully obeys your teachings.

Day 14-August 22- verse of the day: Romans 8:1-2 (NLT) So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. ² And because you belong to him, the power^[a] of the life-giving Spirit has freed you^[b] from the power of sin that leads to death.

Day 15-August 23- verse of the day: Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)  Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 
Day 16-August 24-verse of the day: Psalm 139:1-6 (NLT) O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. ² You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. ³ You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. ⁴ You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. ⁵ You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

Harley and I decided to start a non-profit to help those organization on the front lines rescuing and restoring victims of sex trafficking.  It is being set up now!  Over the next six months, our team hopes to raise enough money to help build a safe house that is so desperately needed!  We are going to be using our skills and interest to bring hope to those fighting domestic minor sex trafficking and victims effected by it. Be on the lookout for more information!!

Understanding the Slow, Steady Work of the Rain

At church we've been talking to the kids about an EPIC adventure in relation to trusting Jesus.  Well, let me tell you, dear friends, it has been an EPIC summer for The Jeanises.  I have relished every heartfelt moment.  It is almost like my mind is taking photographs and storing them in the memory bank to hold on to forever every second of every day in these 3 months.  Most of the time I sit in the midst of it thinking: 'this is the last time my summer could look like this.'  That maybe next summer could look a whole lot different! 

Likewise, I felt that I have been watching the whole thing unfold (think, out of body mode), like everything is in slow motion.  It seems like God has been molding us and stretching us for his plans continually.  It has been in the moments where we least expect it, too.  Before we left on vacation in July, our agency was ramped up for us to finish our paperwork and inspections, because they were ready to go.  So, before we left we completed everything.  And let me tell you, folks, it wasn't just me either, Harley was working hard right along side me to finish our list!  Then, the line went silent.  Nothing, nada, zippo! No phone calls, no emails, NOTHING!  We've since become pesky enough that we've been emailed.  We desperately want to have our home study scheduled, but have heard nothing as of today except it's will happen eventually.  I could blame this on a lot of things- state budget cuts, making our agency short staffed; people who don't work as quickly or efficiently as we do(or would like them to); or maybe our schedule not permitting us to get things done sooner.  All which could spiral us me in to anxiety.  However, I believe that God is ever so gently and patiently waiting for us me to realize He is in ALL of the plan, not just the stuff I can't handle.  He is orchestrating this story.  Our job is to trust and follow in faith. 

Truly, he won't quit, either.  He hasn't let up for one second trying to get me to see he is teaching me.  The more anxious I become, the more he pours into me with messages like Proverbs 3:5-6

                                                           ⁵  Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
                                           and do not lean on your own understanding.
                                                             ⁶ In all your ways acknowledge him,
                                               and he will make straight your paths.

Every time, I am directed to His Word(through coporate worship or quiet time) I am led straight to scripture reminding me to trust Him and quit trying to make my own sense of things.  I am constantly encouraged to "fix my eyes on Jesus," look at his life, his examples of trust and obedience. 

In fact, I was so anxious the other day I was trying to find a scripture in my iPhone App, You Version, and I came across the verse of the day, which I am sure only applied to me that day, that I think no matter what you are going through, that no matter what your field looks like, where ever you are serving or being led, this can and does apply to us all: James 5:7-8(The Message)

 ^7-8Meanwhile, friends, wait patiently for the Master's Arrival. You see farmers do this all the time, waiting for their valuable crops to mature, patiently letting the rain do its slow but sure work. Be patient like that. Stay steady and strong. The Master could arrive at any time.
The troublesome spot for me is slow.  I tend to think slow process, slow moving, but God is saying, "No, un-uh, slow, not as a pace, but slow in the moments where you, Sweet Daughter, want to rush through and get to the goal, but I have things to teach you and show before you get there. Quit trying to forge ahead as you always do and wait on Me."

Some other ways He is "letting the rain do its slow but sure work": 1.)sitting on the sidewalk during 1st two days in a row for 20 minutes while our youngest threw a tantrum about going to the beach.  ( this might be a common occurrence for a child that has faced trauma and does not  have words to express themselves any other way, IT WAS NOT SOMETHING WE EXPECT FROM OUR LOVED, SAFE, WELL-ADJUSTED CHILD). Through our training, we are changing the way we parent and so we hunkered down and worked it out.  Later, when things were calm again, we asked him why he was scared of the beach. His answer was simple, "Shocks!" (Sharks, for those who need translation!)  His tantrum was induced by fear!  This was a huge learning moment as we are anticipating things like this with an child who has been hurt. We probably looked crazy to those passing by, but it was a chance to grow for us.   2.) While visiting with my sister this summer, we dreamed of going to Disney at Christmas.  We got on the Internet to price it out and once we figured out it was crazy expensive, I handed the laptop over to my beautiful, 10 year old, niece.  In the next moment, she was in tears.  She had googled the average weight of a ten year old girl.  And while she is a bit heavier than an average ten year old girl(she's probably much taller, too). she is no where close to obese.  Sadly, when she realized she didn't make the mark, she felt horrible about herself.  And even more upsetting, she judge herself based on the standards of our culture.  Through encouraging her to be healthy above skinny and telling her how beautiful she truly is(outwardly and inwardly), and looking at this girl with the most gorgeous blue eyes, thick brown hair and a heart of compassion that surpasses her years, I realized that helping my daughter see how beautiful she is because of who and who's she is, not what she looks like, is going to be a huge mountain in this American culture that is obsessed with skinny and outward beauty.  3.) Thankful for family.  Hard times, good times, and all the stuff in between.  All of it has made us who we are today and for that I would trade any of the experiences we have had.  4.) My running.  I am training for another 5K race.  It's not like I am trying win against anyone.  I am trying to win against who I was in the last one.  I am thankful for these moments that are about me and for me and that I am going the distance and in those moments praising God who has blessed me so richly and for being able to take time out of my crazy day to push my body to be healthier and more overall ready for the tasks at hand.  It reminds every time I step onto that pavement or the treadmill that I am running a race far above any 5K or marathon and that it takes endurance and it takes time to be ready for the Big Day! 

So, in conclusion of this EPIC summer, I want to say we a training and we are preparing for the big day and we are clinging to God's Word with hope from scriptures like Philippians 4:6-8 ⁶ Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. ⁷ Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.
⁸ Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise.
We know He is making  us ready and giving us hope.  Join us as we pray! 

Lazy, Crazy, Hazy Days of Summer

Summer has been so fun.  Working on 3 new posts from all of the amazing things God is showing me this summer! Here are just a few of the fun times we have had:

Father's Day

Summer mani/pedi with Sister and Niece

A brand new Vitamix for my 33rd birthday!

Destin, with The Jeanise Family

My sweet little guy turns 3!

It's been jammed pack excitement, Folks!  More to come, stay tuned...